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VARR.NOH@CDC.ORG
(0) UNREAD MESSAGES
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unfavouredVARR.NOH@CDC.ORG
(0) UNREAD MESSAGES
unfavoured[He doesn't pull away from Noh's grasp, sitting back down to listen. A small, tiny part of him had almost dared to hope Noh didn't want him to walk away. Now that it's true, Garrus listens and tries not to let that small hope get too big. And then tries to find words. What does he want? In a word:]
More. What I want is more than casual. You can keep Warriorhead. I don't need it to be exclusive; I don't want to take anything from you. But I... Casual, to a turian, is just that. Come and go. You have sex with someone as easily as you'd go to the range with them. It's not... There isn't an attachment. And there aren't supposed to be feelings. What I've had with Adrien is turian-casual. When I'm with you is getting less and less straightforward. I wind up... I wind up feeling.
[He has no fondness for being this open. Vulnerable is how he's feeling right now, and if he didn't actually want this he would have apologized again and left. But he does, and that outweighs the stress he's dealing with here. His voice is hushed, subharmonics a little rumbly as he plods along, forces himself to speak.]
Really not the normal way I do things. Meant to keep it just casual. Friendly. And now I don't want just casual anymore. I want something different. Something deeper. Something us. I... I want you. You to be my priority, and me to be yours.
[Garrus feels like he's run ten miles once that's said. Noh-Varr does like him. Maybe this can work. Maybe he'll be interested. All he can do is try and stop hiding behind anything that's convenient.]
More. What I want is more than casual. You can keep Warriorhead. I don't need it to be exclusive; I don't want to take anything from you. But I... Casual, to a turian, is just that. Come and go. You have sex with someone as easily as you'd go to the range with them. It's not... There isn't an attachment. And there aren't supposed to be feelings. What I've had with Adrien is turian-casual. When I'm with you is getting less and less straightforward. I wind up... I wind up feeling.
[He has no fondness for being this open. Vulnerable is how he's feeling right now, and if he didn't actually want this he would have apologized again and left. But he does, and that outweighs the stress he's dealing with here. His voice is hushed, subharmonics a little rumbly as he plods along, forces himself to speak.]
Really not the normal way I do things. Meant to keep it just casual. Friendly. And now I don't want just casual anymore. I want something different. Something deeper. Something us. I... I want you. You to be my priority, and me to be yours.
[Garrus feels like he's run ten miles once that's said. Noh-Varr does like him. Maybe this can work. Maybe he'll be interested. All he can do is try and stop hiding behind anything that's convenient.]
FROM: serket.vriska@cdc.org
Hey. What're you up to?
Hey. What're you up to?
[That makes her smile a bit.]
FROM: devan.isha@cdc.org
Don't tell Warriorhead I believe I'll do excellent, it'll be unseemly given my circumstances.
FROM: devan.isha@cdc.org
Don't tell Warriorhead I believe I'll do excellent, it'll be unseemly given my circumstances.
FROM: devan.isha@cdc.org
Good you know how loathe I am to share them at all. I knew I could trust you.
Good you know how loathe I am to share them at all. I knew I could trust you.
[ 'Casual'. 'Friendly'. 'More'. The words seem to mix in his mind the more he hears them. He's never really had to question a relationship like this. Annie is his closest frame of reference--and they never quite spoke like this, in definite terms. She would wait for him on the windowsill of her college dorm room, and when he had to leave her, he'd told her he'd come back. He never did, of course.
The way Garrus looks at him, talks about him...that fondness resurfaces. It's hard not to be convinced by that bumbling charm. But Noh-Varr doesn't want 'attached', doesn't want 'stable'. He wants to explore his options and take risks and smile at good-looking strangers when he feels like it. Garrus says he doesn't need exclusivity. He says he doesn't want to take anything away. He wants to be a priority. That sounds so flexible. Too good to be true, like Garrus is making a hundred concessions just to keep him. That's its own kind of attractiveness, being given power. He feels guilty already.
Noh-Varr hurt Kate and Annie and he's liable to hurt Garrus, if Garrus isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't want to. Garrus is a little fragile, emotionally insecure; Warriorhead said it plainly, though Noh-Varr knew it to start. Garrus may be older than him, but time and experience have worn down what might, at Noh-Varr's age, have been an equally unshakable confidence. He wonders if that insecurity might not make way for jealousy and, if so, if they're doomed to fail before they even start. He wants to protect Garrus. He tries a few hesitant sentences. ]
Garrus, I...I don't know how I feel about you; I like you, but is it long-term? I just don't know. You're asking a lot.
[ He doesn't like forcing himself to be honest any more than Garrus does; in fact, he quails, turning his face away from the turian, running a hand through his hair, an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. ]
But I...I'm not against the idea. Of priorities.
[ If he were being fair to Garrus, he'd spare them both the trouble and walk away now. But he's a vain, selfish creature and Garrus is offering an easy path where he can have the attention he craves, the sex he wants, and the stability that might be good for him, all in one. He turns his face back. ]
Are you sure? [ He's never negotiated anything like this. A few months ago it would never have crossed his mind. He has expectations too, but doesn't want to voice them just yet. He wants to give Garrus the time to draw back. He wants to give himself time. ]
The way Garrus looks at him, talks about him...that fondness resurfaces. It's hard not to be convinced by that bumbling charm. But Noh-Varr doesn't want 'attached', doesn't want 'stable'. He wants to explore his options and take risks and smile at good-looking strangers when he feels like it. Garrus says he doesn't need exclusivity. He says he doesn't want to take anything away. He wants to be a priority. That sounds so flexible. Too good to be true, like Garrus is making a hundred concessions just to keep him. That's its own kind of attractiveness, being given power. He feels guilty already.
Noh-Varr hurt Kate and Annie and he's liable to hurt Garrus, if Garrus isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't want to. Garrus is a little fragile, emotionally insecure; Warriorhead said it plainly, though Noh-Varr knew it to start. Garrus may be older than him, but time and experience have worn down what might, at Noh-Varr's age, have been an equally unshakable confidence. He wonders if that insecurity might not make way for jealousy and, if so, if they're doomed to fail before they even start. He wants to protect Garrus. He tries a few hesitant sentences. ]
Garrus, I...I don't know how I feel about you; I like you, but is it long-term? I just don't know. You're asking a lot.
[ He doesn't like forcing himself to be honest any more than Garrus does; in fact, he quails, turning his face away from the turian, running a hand through his hair, an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. ]
But I...I'm not against the idea. Of priorities.
[ If he were being fair to Garrus, he'd spare them both the trouble and walk away now. But he's a vain, selfish creature and Garrus is offering an easy path where he can have the attention he craves, the sex he wants, and the stability that might be good for him, all in one. He turns his face back. ]
Are you sure? [ He's never negotiated anything like this. A few months ago it would never have crossed his mind. He has expectations too, but doesn't want to voice them just yet. He wants to give Garrus the time to draw back. He wants to give himself time. ]
[Asking a lot. Is he? He's not sure. Is he asking more than they'd agreed on, yes. There's no doubt of that. But he knows he's also giving more than he'd usually give. Sharing isn't something he's even considered before.
Garrus pulls off a glove, fiddling with it. It helps to have something to do with his hands, something to play with since he can't occupy them with breaking down and cleaning one of his guns. He wants Noh. But he doesn't really know what he's doing here.]
Am I sure? I've never... It's always been short things before. A night, a week. I don't really know what I'm doing. What I'm sure of is that I like you more than a casual thing would be.
[He sighs, looking down at the glove in his hands.]
I'm asking you if you wanna give it a shot. I'm not asking you to make some sort of pledge or promise or something. It's not some certain thing. If it doesn't work, we'll figure it out then. If it does, we'll also figure it out then.
[Never in his life has Garrus been on such shaky ground. He's faced reapers, brutes, suicide missions, plagues that killed turians, terrorists, death, and this is what has him worried about completely messing up. The glove gets turned over again before he looks back over at Noh-Varr.]
I don't know how the sharing thing is gonna work. I don't even know that I'll wake up tomorrow to find both of us still assigned to the Neheda. I've lost a lot of people, had a lot of things go wrong. But I'd like to try this, if you want to too.
Garrus pulls off a glove, fiddling with it. It helps to have something to do with his hands, something to play with since he can't occupy them with breaking down and cleaning one of his guns. He wants Noh. But he doesn't really know what he's doing here.]
Am I sure? I've never... It's always been short things before. A night, a week. I don't really know what I'm doing. What I'm sure of is that I like you more than a casual thing would be.
[He sighs, looking down at the glove in his hands.]
I'm asking you if you wanna give it a shot. I'm not asking you to make some sort of pledge or promise or something. It's not some certain thing. If it doesn't work, we'll figure it out then. If it does, we'll also figure it out then.
[Never in his life has Garrus been on such shaky ground. He's faced reapers, brutes, suicide missions, plagues that killed turians, terrorists, death, and this is what has him worried about completely messing up. The glove gets turned over again before he looks back over at Noh-Varr.]
I don't know how the sharing thing is gonna work. I don't even know that I'll wake up tomorrow to find both of us still assigned to the Neheda. I've lost a lot of people, had a lot of things go wrong. But I'd like to try this, if you want to too.
FROM: hange.zoe@cdc.org
You're right! He doesn't seem like the type to waste his resources so frivolously. If nothing else, even the biggest failures pack at least a few meals in them.
[Hange please.
Otherwise, Noh-varr's answer is a bit disappointing. Maybe she'll go and ask the individual members of Orange herself, though she can't say she's actually had a chance to speak to a third of them.
And she's in the middle of sending a message back when her teammate offers something she hadn't been expecting. While she was aware that Noh-Varr had been an acquaintance of Annie's, she isn't sure what the extent of that actually was. Still, the condolences aren't unwanted, though perhaps they're directed more to the wrong person than anything else. Still:]
FROM: hange.zoe@cdc.org
Have you lost anyone from your world since we were first contracted by the CDC?
You're right! He doesn't seem like the type to waste his resources so frivolously. If nothing else, even the biggest failures pack at least a few meals in them.
[Hange please.
Otherwise, Noh-varr's answer is a bit disappointing. Maybe she'll go and ask the individual members of Orange herself, though she can't say she's actually had a chance to speak to a third of them.
And she's in the middle of sending a message back when her teammate offers something she hadn't been expecting. While she was aware that Noh-Varr had been an acquaintance of Annie's, she isn't sure what the extent of that actually was. Still, the condolences aren't unwanted, though perhaps they're directed more to the wrong person than anything else. Still:]
FROM: hange.zoe@cdc.org
Have you lost anyone from your world since we were first contracted by the CDC?
[To be honest, he's not entirely sure what he wants. He's just been thinking a lot over the last few days - what an individual is, what he is, how he isn't the same as when he left home, how he'd feel if he went home.
He mostly just wants someone to talk to.]
FROM: pilot@cdc.org
He'd just like to talk, if you have the time.
He mostly just wants someone to talk to.]
FROM: pilot@cdc.org
He'd just like to talk, if you have the time.
[ It's a short walk; the Selenian evenings are cooler than the days, but not by much; his t-shirt and jeans are enough cover. He finds Pilot on a bench, and settles in next to the smaller Iotian, shoulder-to-shoulder. He lets silence settle between them, figuring Pilot will break it once he's ready.
With the colony's climate controls, night-time is a blanket of stars, a twinkling canopy over their heads. Dominating the view is the moon, taking up a large chunk of his field of vision. He wonders if Pilot sees it differently with his six eyes. ]
With the colony's climate controls, night-time is a blanket of stars, a twinkling canopy over their heads. Dominating the view is the moon, taking up a large chunk of his field of vision. He wonders if Pilot sees it differently with his six eyes. ]
[Pilot has his new hoodie, which still swamps him a little, and his new jeans. He looks a bit out of place in them, but he's also not wearing the jumpsuits and utilitarian blandness he wore on Ajna. When he's not wearing something fitted for him, he looks smaller.
...how do you deal with being alone?
[Among humans, that is.]
...how do you deal with being alone?
[Among humans, that is.]
FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org
Thankfully, no.
FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org
But there's no one from my world here for me to lose, technically speaking. I was a dimensional transplant before this. Still, I understood your meaning.
[ There's no proper word for 'trans-dimensional immigrant', really. He wonders if losing Loki would be painful--the thought, on its own, does nothing to him. ]
Thankfully, no.
FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org
But there's no one from my world here for me to lose, technically speaking. I was a dimensional transplant before this. Still, I understood your meaning.
[ There's no proper word for 'trans-dimensional immigrant', really. He wonders if losing Loki would be painful--the thought, on its own, does nothing to him. ]
[ He thinks he grasps at Pilot's meaning--to be only one of his kind, the only one with his particular baggage, among so many others sharing a unified experience. He's a strongly gregarious individual; he likes people, he's interested in them genuinely. Some of that is his training, some of that is just him, personally. When he'd been in the Cube, the first few weeks had been very real torture--being cut off from his crew so suddenly, the death of Plex, and then pure, crushing, bleak loneliness. No one to speak to, nothing but him and his cell. When the Warden wasn't using him he'd be left alone there, disoriented, no idea how he'd left or returned, his mind in shambles. He isn't sure when it stopped actively hurting--only that it did, at one point, when he'd endured so much pain that it felt like life could throw anything at him, he'd survive all of it and more. ]
I try to forge connections where I can. I don't let myself wallow in it too long. I've learned to adapt quickly to survive.
[ He turns to his companion, offering a very slight pressure at the point where their shoulders touch. ]
Are you hurting, Pilot? [ What can he do to ease it? ]
I try to forge connections where I can. I don't let myself wallow in it too long. I've learned to adapt quickly to survive.
[ He turns to his companion, offering a very slight pressure at the point where their shoulders touch. ]
Are you hurting, Pilot? [ What can he do to ease it? ]
[ No promises, no guarantees. What does Garrus want, then? To be Noh-Varr's boyfriend? It's hard to miss how nervous the request makes Garrus, and that in turn rubs off on Noh-Varr, who becomes tense. It feels so easy, comparatively, with Warriorhead, who is confident and collected at all times. Garrus is steadfast, true, honorable, and tremendously kind--but in this arena he becomes hesitant and unsure. The blind leading the blind.
Garrus does make an excellent point. They could both be gone by morning, on another crew. Noh-Varr's not the type to waffle on decisions too long. If he can't own his actions, no one will do it for him. Garrus is probably one of the best things to come out of this entire miserable business, and wouldn't he be a fool to pass it up? If he were gone tomorrow, he tells himself, he'd regret not seizing his chance.
Warriorhead had told him, earlier, than he needed to re-examine his priorities. Maybe that was true. ]
If we do this--[ It's an if, only it's not entirely, because he finds himself leaning indulgently into the turian. ]--I want to know it's me you'll speak to, when you're unhappy. When it doesn't work. [ Not if; because he's seen too many relationships fail to not have a contingency plan. But not because it's doomed, either. When it's rocky, he doesn't want Garrus to flee. ] And I'd prefer if...what happens between us stays between us.
[ It's an odd request, but at the same time, it feels natural. If Garrus wants to be a priority, he'll treat this like one. He keeps his business close to himself. He doesn't want to involve more strangers in this, especially when it already feels lopsided; until just a few hours ago he'd told no-one he and Garrus were an item. And there's Warriorhead to consider: in the same way he wouldn't speak to Garrus about his time with Warriorhead (and doubts the turian would want to know), it goes both ways. He'd rather keep all those compartments separate, so to speak. ]
Would you want to know, if I take other lovers? [ Warriorhead...it's essentially platonic. Garrus is his only regular sexual partner at the moment. ] I don't mind knowing, or not.
[ It's strange, but now that the metaphorical floodgates have opened, it seems so much easier to just ask. His natural curiosity is strong: he wants to know what Garrus wants, and the idea that he could just have that information without needing to guess, without half-spoken implications, is incredibly appealing. ]
Garrus does make an excellent point. They could both be gone by morning, on another crew. Noh-Varr's not the type to waffle on decisions too long. If he can't own his actions, no one will do it for him. Garrus is probably one of the best things to come out of this entire miserable business, and wouldn't he be a fool to pass it up? If he were gone tomorrow, he tells himself, he'd regret not seizing his chance.
Warriorhead had told him, earlier, than he needed to re-examine his priorities. Maybe that was true. ]
If we do this--[ It's an if, only it's not entirely, because he finds himself leaning indulgently into the turian. ]--I want to know it's me you'll speak to, when you're unhappy. When it doesn't work. [ Not if; because he's seen too many relationships fail to not have a contingency plan. But not because it's doomed, either. When it's rocky, he doesn't want Garrus to flee. ] And I'd prefer if...what happens between us stays between us.
[ It's an odd request, but at the same time, it feels natural. If Garrus wants to be a priority, he'll treat this like one. He keeps his business close to himself. He doesn't want to involve more strangers in this, especially when it already feels lopsided; until just a few hours ago he'd told no-one he and Garrus were an item. And there's Warriorhead to consider: in the same way he wouldn't speak to Garrus about his time with Warriorhead (and doubts the turian would want to know), it goes both ways. He'd rather keep all those compartments separate, so to speak. ]
Would you want to know, if I take other lovers? [ Warriorhead...it's essentially platonic. Garrus is his only regular sexual partner at the moment. ] I don't mind knowing, or not.
[ It's strange, but now that the metaphorical floodgates have opened, it seems so much easier to just ask. His natural curiosity is strong: he wants to know what Garrus wants, and the idea that he could just have that information without needing to guess, without half-spoken implications, is incredibly appealing. ]
[Pilot hums softly and leans into the touch. He has to find a way to put his thoughts into words and it takes a moment. He's not alone; he knows that. He has friends here, that he cares for very deeply. But it feels different.]
He... is not hurting. Just confused about a great many things.
[There is no past, no future, only the moment. He reminds himself of that and tries to find his calm center again.
Because if he's honest, he's scared. He's scared he'll never be able to go home again and be able to be happy to simply be an anonymous member of the community if he does. He's seen a portion of the wider universe and he loves it, but it's also changed him. And he doesn't know if that change is good. ]
He... is not hurting. Just confused about a great many things.
[There is no past, no future, only the moment. He reminds himself of that and tries to find his calm center again.
Because if he's honest, he's scared. He's scared he'll never be able to go home again and be able to be happy to simply be an anonymous member of the community if he does. He's seen a portion of the wider universe and he loves it, but it's also changed him. And he doesn't know if that change is good. ]
[ Noh-Varr nods. What to do with oneself when purpose is gone? Finding your own purpose, when you've never had to before, can be daunting. Gently, he reaches over and covers Pilot's hand with his own. ]
Then talk to me. [ Saying it out loud, to another, will if anything help Pilot get his own thoughts in order. ] What are you confused about?
Then talk to me. [ Saying it out loud, to another, will if anything help Pilot get his own thoughts in order. ] What are you confused about?
[Pilot has to get his thoughts in order. But it's hard - hwo does he talk about himself with any meaningful weight? His words are a bit halting, even if he gives Noh-Varr's hand a grateful squeeze.]
He does not know how to continue like... this. As an individual who is not a part of the unit or the community. Not like it was at home, where everyone.... everyone knew what was expected and we were happy to live our lives.
[He trails off.]
He did not have time to think about it on Ajna and he had a mission; a purpose. And he has allowed himself to slip here, to indulge - and - he is not sure.
He does not know how to continue like... this. As an individual who is not a part of the unit or the community. Not like it was at home, where everyone.... everyone knew what was expected and we were happy to live our lives.
[He trails off.]
He did not have time to think about it on Ajna and he had a mission; a purpose. And he has allowed himself to slip here, to indulge - and - he is not sure.
[The 'if' is a little worrying, until Noh-Varr's body language contradicts it. He listens, considering the request, and the question, mulling them over before answering. In theory he shouldn't want to know, right? That's just an invitation for jealousy. But at the same time, if he knows, he doesn't have to wonder. There won't be worry there, or paranoia.]
I... If you did, I'd want to know. Means I won't be wondering.
[His mandibles flicker, out and in, and the faintest trace of amusement comes back to his voice.]
Also means I'd know when I need to step up my game.
[He's not sure what he'll be doing with others. If he will. He needs to talk to Adrien anyway about the mandible portion of what he'd sent Noh-Varr, and then see where the doctor stands on things. Garrus leans back, into Noh-Varr, before he takes a breath to approach the other topic.]
Can I tell some people that I'm seeing you? No specifics, no personal details. But I've never kept anything from Shepard for long. It's the whole best friend, been-through-hell-together thing. Liara's really good at getting information, and so on. I won't be shouting it through the corridors.
[And he doesn't know how he'll approach Ino with this. That's an invitation for a disaster if ever he knew one, but she may keep trying for him with other people if he doesn't. That's the problem. Also he talks. A lot.]
I'll try to keep it quiet. Quieter. But us, uh, getting close on the beach, or other places, isn't gonna help that. And I like the time I get with you. I'd rather not cut back on that.
I... If you did, I'd want to know. Means I won't be wondering.
[His mandibles flicker, out and in, and the faintest trace of amusement comes back to his voice.]
Also means I'd know when I need to step up my game.
[He's not sure what he'll be doing with others. If he will. He needs to talk to Adrien anyway about the mandible portion of what he'd sent Noh-Varr, and then see where the doctor stands on things. Garrus leans back, into Noh-Varr, before he takes a breath to approach the other topic.]
Can I tell some people that I'm seeing you? No specifics, no personal details. But I've never kept anything from Shepard for long. It's the whole best friend, been-through-hell-together thing. Liara's really good at getting information, and so on. I won't be shouting it through the corridors.
[And he doesn't know how he'll approach Ino with this. That's an invitation for a disaster if ever he knew one, but she may keep trying for him with other people if he doesn't. That's the problem. Also he talks. A lot.]
I'll try to keep it quiet. Quieter. But us, uh, getting close on the beach, or other places, isn't gonna help that. And I like the time I get with you. I'd rather not cut back on that.
Did I ever tell you the consequences for failing my assessment?
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