[ 'Casual'. 'Friendly'. 'More'. The words seem to mix in his mind the more he hears them. He's never really had to question a relationship like this. Annie is his closest frame of reference--and they never quite spoke like this, in definite terms. She would wait for him on the windowsill of her college dorm room, and when he had to leave her, he'd told her he'd come back. He never did, of course.
The way Garrus looks at him, talks about him...that fondness resurfaces. It's hard not to be convinced by that bumbling charm. But Noh-Varr doesn't want 'attached', doesn't want 'stable'. He wants to explore his options and take risks and smile at good-looking strangers when he feels like it. Garrus says he doesn't need exclusivity. He says he doesn't want to take anything away. He wants to be a priority. That sounds so flexible. Too good to be true, like Garrus is making a hundred concessions just to keep him. That's its own kind of attractiveness, being given power. He feels guilty already.
Noh-Varr hurt Kate and Annie and he's liable to hurt Garrus, if Garrus isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't want to. Garrus is a little fragile, emotionally insecure; Warriorhead said it plainly, though Noh-Varr knew it to start. Garrus may be older than him, but time and experience have worn down what might, at Noh-Varr's age, have been an equally unshakable confidence. He wonders if that insecurity might not make way for jealousy and, if so, if they're doomed to fail before they even start. He wants to protect Garrus. He tries a few hesitant sentences. ]
Garrus, I...I don't know how I feel about you; I like you, but is it long-term? I just don't know. You're asking a lot.
[ He doesn't like forcing himself to be honest any more than Garrus does; in fact, he quails, turning his face away from the turian, running a hand through his hair, an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. ]
But I...I'm not against the idea. Of priorities.
[ If he were being fair to Garrus, he'd spare them both the trouble and walk away now. But he's a vain, selfish creature and Garrus is offering an easy path where he can have the attention he craves, the sex he wants, and the stability that might be good for him, all in one. He turns his face back. ]
Are you sure? [ He's never negotiated anything like this. A few months ago it would never have crossed his mind. He has expectations too, but doesn't want to voice them just yet. He wants to give Garrus the time to draw back. He wants to give himself time. ]
[Asking a lot. Is he? He's not sure. Is he asking more than they'd agreed on, yes. There's no doubt of that. But he knows he's also giving more than he'd usually give. Sharing isn't something he's even considered before.
Garrus pulls off a glove, fiddling with it. It helps to have something to do with his hands, something to play with since he can't occupy them with breaking down and cleaning one of his guns. He wants Noh. But he doesn't really know what he's doing here.]
Am I sure? I've never... It's always been short things before. A night, a week. I don't really know what I'm doing. What I'm sure of is that I like you more than a casual thing would be.
[He sighs, looking down at the glove in his hands.]
I'm asking you if you wanna give it a shot. I'm not asking you to make some sort of pledge or promise or something. It's not some certain thing. If it doesn't work, we'll figure it out then. If it does, we'll also figure it out then.
[Never in his life has Garrus been on such shaky ground. He's faced reapers, brutes, suicide missions, plagues that killed turians, terrorists, death, and this is what has him worried about completely messing up. The glove gets turned over again before he looks back over at Noh-Varr.]
I don't know how the sharing thing is gonna work. I don't even know that I'll wake up tomorrow to find both of us still assigned to the Neheda. I've lost a lot of people, had a lot of things go wrong. But I'd like to try this, if you want to too.
[ No promises, no guarantees. What does Garrus want, then? To be Noh-Varr's boyfriend? It's hard to miss how nervous the request makes Garrus, and that in turn rubs off on Noh-Varr, who becomes tense. It feels so easy, comparatively, with Warriorhead, who is confident and collected at all times. Garrus is steadfast, true, honorable, and tremendously kind--but in this arena he becomes hesitant and unsure. The blind leading the blind.
Garrus does make an excellent point. They could both be gone by morning, on another crew. Noh-Varr's not the type to waffle on decisions too long. If he can't own his actions, no one will do it for him. Garrus is probably one of the best things to come out of this entire miserable business, and wouldn't he be a fool to pass it up? If he were gone tomorrow, he tells himself, he'd regret not seizing his chance.
Warriorhead had told him, earlier, than he needed to re-examine his priorities. Maybe that was true. ]
If we do this--[ It's an if, only it's not entirely, because he finds himself leaning indulgently into the turian. ]--I want to know it's me you'll speak to, when you're unhappy. When it doesn't work. [ Not if; because he's seen too many relationships fail to not have a contingency plan. But not because it's doomed, either. When it's rocky, he doesn't want Garrus to flee. ] And I'd prefer if...what happens between us stays between us.
[ It's an odd request, but at the same time, it feels natural. If Garrus wants to be a priority, he'll treat this like one. He keeps his business close to himself. He doesn't want to involve more strangers in this, especially when it already feels lopsided; until just a few hours ago he'd told no-one he and Garrus were an item. And there's Warriorhead to consider: in the same way he wouldn't speak to Garrus about his time with Warriorhead (and doubts the turian would want to know), it goes both ways. He'd rather keep all those compartments separate, so to speak. ]
Would you want to know, if I take other lovers? [ Warriorhead...it's essentially platonic. Garrus is his only regular sexual partner at the moment. ] I don't mind knowing, or not.
[ It's strange, but now that the metaphorical floodgates have opened, it seems so much easier to just ask. His natural curiosity is strong: he wants to know what Garrus wants, and the idea that he could just have that information without needing to guess, without half-spoken implications, is incredibly appealing. ]
[The 'if' is a little worrying, until Noh-Varr's body language contradicts it. He listens, considering the request, and the question, mulling them over before answering. In theory he shouldn't want to know, right? That's just an invitation for jealousy. But at the same time, if he knows, he doesn't have to wonder. There won't be worry there, or paranoia.]
I... If you did, I'd want to know. Means I won't be wondering.
[His mandibles flicker, out and in, and the faintest trace of amusement comes back to his voice.]
Also means I'd know when I need to step up my game.
[He's not sure what he'll be doing with others. If he will. He needs to talk to Adrien anyway about the mandible portion of what he'd sent Noh-Varr, and then see where the doctor stands on things. Garrus leans back, into Noh-Varr, before he takes a breath to approach the other topic.]
Can I tell some people that I'm seeing you? No specifics, no personal details. But I've never kept anything from Shepard for long. It's the whole best friend, been-through-hell-together thing. Liara's really good at getting information, and so on. I won't be shouting it through the corridors.
[And he doesn't know how he'll approach Ino with this. That's an invitation for a disaster if ever he knew one, but she may keep trying for him with other people if he doesn't. That's the problem. Also he talks. A lot.]
I'll try to keep it quiet. Quieter. But us, uh, getting close on the beach, or other places, isn't gonna help that. And I like the time I get with you. I'd rather not cut back on that.
[ He shakes his head; it's hard to put his expectations into words. ] What I don't want is--others, pulled into our problems. I shouldn't have strangers sending me messages whenever you're upset with me. [ Okay, he's a little chafed about it, still. Can you blame him? ] I don't mind being seen. Let them look. They're jealous I have the handsomest turian in the galaxy on my arm.
[ Noh-Varr's ego is a strange thing: his lovers are made more appealing in his mind by proximity to himself, because of course, he doesn't pick just anyone. ] I don't mind people knowing. I mind people being upset at me for things that don't concern them.
[ He's selfish, basically. He wants all the cake and to eat it, too. ] Warriorhead--you're the only one I've told. [ It hadn't occured to him before to mention that it was both sensitive and private, but right now everything's being laid out. ] I'd like it if you didn't tell anyone.
[ Garrus gets it, or at least understands enough not to interfere. But it's a small ship. That kind of thing getting around...a reputation grows. He's not ashamed of Warriorhead--far from it--but not everyone here is understanding. Tess hadn't been.
[If he needs advice, he'll go to someone who won't talk. Shepard, for instance. Not anyone who would go after Noh-Varr. Not anyone who is just going to talk everywhere and to everyone. Confidentiality. And not someone who would side-eye Noh and clearly have a problem in the future.
Garrus leans into Noh's space a bit more, moving his arm behind and around the Kree's waist.]
I won't tell about Warriorhead.
[It's the bigger of issues he could see needing advice on, the fact that he's sharing, but at the same time he doesn't have to include names.]
And yeah.
[There's a chuckle and a shrug. Boyfriends. It sounds so... So big and so little, both at once. Silly and serious. Garrus wonders if they can make it work. He hopes they can.]
It does. And it makes you mine. So does that also mean you'd like dinner? The two of us.
[ Noh-Varr stiffens at the words make you mine, but tries immediately to shrug it off. ]
Dinner for two sounds good. As long as you don't forget I'm mine first.
[ He's trying not to be prickly, because he can't expect Garrus to just magically be able to tell when something's sensitive--instead he stands, offering his hand. ] You belong to you, Garrus Vakarian. I belong to me. If I ever want to change that--[ he shrugs. ]--I'll let you know.
[ He makes it clear with his tone that, despite being initially ruffled, he's not upset. In fact, he may or may not be looking forward to that date. ]
[He catches the stiffening, tilting his head as he gets up too. Garrus had meant Noh was his boyfriend, but he's not going to argue the point. Not when he's just found out something he hadn't expected. It helps him, actually. It helps him understand why Noh had said he was asking a lot when he really wasn't.
Garrus takes Noh's hand and holds it, thumb running over its back as he looks into those sharp green eyes. He's not the only one afraid. Garrus doesn't want to be hurt, Noh doesn't want to lose... what, exactly? Freedom is Garrus' best guess. Individuality. Leaning in, Garrus presses a mandible to Noh-Varr's cheek before straightening back up and releasing his hold on Noh's hand.]
Tonight, then. There's a place that does a decent dextro noodle dish as well as a bunch of other noodle dishes I'm gonna assume are fine, if that works.
[They have time to figure things out. There's no rush. Or maybe they don't have time and they'll vanish the next day, but that just validates the lack of a need of rush. What time they have, they have.]
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The way Garrus looks at him, talks about him...that fondness resurfaces. It's hard not to be convinced by that bumbling charm. But Noh-Varr doesn't want 'attached', doesn't want 'stable'. He wants to explore his options and take risks and smile at good-looking strangers when he feels like it. Garrus says he doesn't need exclusivity. He says he doesn't want to take anything away. He wants to be a priority. That sounds so flexible. Too good to be true, like Garrus is making a hundred concessions just to keep him. That's its own kind of attractiveness, being given power. He feels guilty already.
Noh-Varr hurt Kate and Annie and he's liable to hurt Garrus, if Garrus isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't want to. Garrus is a little fragile, emotionally insecure; Warriorhead said it plainly, though Noh-Varr knew it to start. Garrus may be older than him, but time and experience have worn down what might, at Noh-Varr's age, have been an equally unshakable confidence. He wonders if that insecurity might not make way for jealousy and, if so, if they're doomed to fail before they even start. He wants to protect Garrus. He tries a few hesitant sentences. ]
Garrus, I...I don't know how I feel about you; I like you, but is it long-term? I just don't know. You're asking a lot.
[ He doesn't like forcing himself to be honest any more than Garrus does; in fact, he quails, turning his face away from the turian, running a hand through his hair, an uncharacteristically nervous gesture. ]
But I...I'm not against the idea. Of priorities.
[ If he were being fair to Garrus, he'd spare them both the trouble and walk away now. But he's a vain, selfish creature and Garrus is offering an easy path where he can have the attention he craves, the sex he wants, and the stability that might be good for him, all in one. He turns his face back. ]
Are you sure? [ He's never negotiated anything like this. A few months ago it would never have crossed his mind. He has expectations too, but doesn't want to voice them just yet. He wants to give Garrus the time to draw back. He wants to give himself time. ]
no subject
Garrus pulls off a glove, fiddling with it. It helps to have something to do with his hands, something to play with since he can't occupy them with breaking down and cleaning one of his guns. He wants Noh. But he doesn't really know what he's doing here.]
Am I sure? I've never... It's always been short things before. A night, a week. I don't really know what I'm doing. What I'm sure of is that I like you more than a casual thing would be.
[He sighs, looking down at the glove in his hands.]
I'm asking you if you wanna give it a shot. I'm not asking you to make some sort of pledge or promise or something. It's not some certain thing. If it doesn't work, we'll figure it out then. If it does, we'll also figure it out then.
[Never in his life has Garrus been on such shaky ground. He's faced reapers, brutes, suicide missions, plagues that killed turians, terrorists, death, and this is what has him worried about completely messing up. The glove gets turned over again before he looks back over at Noh-Varr.]
I don't know how the sharing thing is gonna work. I don't even know that I'll wake up tomorrow to find both of us still assigned to the Neheda. I've lost a lot of people, had a lot of things go wrong. But I'd like to try this, if you want to too.
no subject
Garrus does make an excellent point. They could both be gone by morning, on another crew. Noh-Varr's not the type to waffle on decisions too long. If he can't own his actions, no one will do it for him. Garrus is probably one of the best things to come out of this entire miserable business, and wouldn't he be a fool to pass it up? If he were gone tomorrow, he tells himself, he'd regret not seizing his chance.
Warriorhead had told him, earlier, than he needed to re-examine his priorities. Maybe that was true. ]
If we do this--[ It's an if, only it's not entirely, because he finds himself leaning indulgently into the turian. ]--I want to know it's me you'll speak to, when you're unhappy. When it doesn't work. [ Not if; because he's seen too many relationships fail to not have a contingency plan. But not because it's doomed, either. When it's rocky, he doesn't want Garrus to flee. ] And I'd prefer if...what happens between us stays between us.
[ It's an odd request, but at the same time, it feels natural. If Garrus wants to be a priority, he'll treat this like one. He keeps his business close to himself. He doesn't want to involve more strangers in this, especially when it already feels lopsided; until just a few hours ago he'd told no-one he and Garrus were an item. And there's Warriorhead to consider: in the same way he wouldn't speak to Garrus about his time with Warriorhead (and doubts the turian would want to know), it goes both ways. He'd rather keep all those compartments separate, so to speak. ]
Would you want to know, if I take other lovers? [ Warriorhead...it's essentially platonic. Garrus is his only regular sexual partner at the moment. ] I don't mind knowing, or not.
[ It's strange, but now that the metaphorical floodgates have opened, it seems so much easier to just ask. His natural curiosity is strong: he wants to know what Garrus wants, and the idea that he could just have that information without needing to guess, without half-spoken implications, is incredibly appealing. ]
no subject
I... If you did, I'd want to know. Means I won't be wondering.
[His mandibles flicker, out and in, and the faintest trace of amusement comes back to his voice.]
Also means I'd know when I need to step up my game.
[He's not sure what he'll be doing with others. If he will. He needs to talk to Adrien anyway about the mandible portion of what he'd sent Noh-Varr, and then see where the doctor stands on things. Garrus leans back, into Noh-Varr, before he takes a breath to approach the other topic.]
Can I tell some people that I'm seeing you? No specifics, no personal details. But I've never kept anything from Shepard for long. It's the whole best friend, been-through-hell-together thing. Liara's really good at getting information, and so on. I won't be shouting it through the corridors.
[And he doesn't know how he'll approach Ino with this. That's an invitation for a disaster if ever he knew one, but she may keep trying for him with other people if he doesn't. That's the problem. Also he talks. A lot.]
I'll try to keep it quiet. Quieter. But us, uh, getting close on the beach, or other places, isn't gonna help that. And I like the time I get with you. I'd rather not cut back on that.
no subject
[ Noh-Varr's ego is a strange thing: his lovers are made more appealing in his mind by proximity to himself, because of course, he doesn't pick just anyone. ] I don't mind people knowing. I mind people being upset at me for things that don't concern them.
[ He's selfish, basically. He wants all the cake and to eat it, too. ] Warriorhead--you're the only one I've told. [ It hadn't occured to him before to mention that it was both sensitive and private, but right now everything's being laid out. ] I'd like it if you didn't tell anyone.
[ Garrus gets it, or at least understands enough not to interfere. But it's a small ship. That kind of thing getting around...a reputation grows. He's not ashamed of Warriorhead--far from it--but not everyone here is understanding. Tess hadn't been.
He turns his face up to Garrus'. ]
Does this make you my boyfriend?
no subject
[If he needs advice, he'll go to someone who won't talk. Shepard, for instance. Not anyone who would go after Noh-Varr. Not anyone who is just going to talk everywhere and to everyone. Confidentiality. And not someone who would side-eye Noh and clearly have a problem in the future.
Garrus leans into Noh's space a bit more, moving his arm behind and around the Kree's waist.]
I won't tell about Warriorhead.
[It's the bigger of issues he could see needing advice on, the fact that he's sharing, but at the same time he doesn't have to include names.]
And yeah.
[There's a chuckle and a shrug. Boyfriends. It sounds so... So big and so little, both at once. Silly and serious. Garrus wonders if they can make it work. He hopes they can.]
It does. And it makes you mine. So does that also mean you'd like dinner? The two of us.
no subject
Dinner for two sounds good. As long as you don't forget I'm mine first.
[ He's trying not to be prickly, because he can't expect Garrus to just magically be able to tell when something's sensitive--instead he stands, offering his hand. ] You belong to you, Garrus Vakarian. I belong to me. If I ever want to change that--[ he shrugs. ]--I'll let you know.
[ He makes it clear with his tone that, despite being initially ruffled, he's not upset. In fact, he may or may not be looking forward to that date. ]
no subject
Garrus takes Noh's hand and holds it, thumb running over its back as he looks into those sharp green eyes. He's not the only one afraid. Garrus doesn't want to be hurt, Noh doesn't want to lose... what, exactly? Freedom is Garrus' best guess. Individuality. Leaning in, Garrus presses a mandible to Noh-Varr's cheek before straightening back up and releasing his hold on Noh's hand.]
Tonight, then. There's a place that does a decent dextro noodle dish as well as a bunch of other noodle dishes I'm gonna assume are fine, if that works.
[They have time to figure things out. There's no rush. Or maybe they don't have time and they'll vanish the next day, but that just validates the lack of a need of rush. What time they have, they have.]