[To be honest, he's not entirely sure what he wants. He's just been thinking a lot over the last few days - what an individual is, what he is, how he isn't the same as when he left home, how he'd feel if he went home.
[ It's a short walk; the Selenian evenings are cooler than the days, but not by much; his t-shirt and jeans are enough cover. He finds Pilot on a bench, and settles in next to the smaller Iotian, shoulder-to-shoulder. He lets silence settle between them, figuring Pilot will break it once he's ready.
With the colony's climate controls, night-time is a blanket of stars, a twinkling canopy over their heads. Dominating the view is the moon, taking up a large chunk of his field of vision. He wonders if Pilot sees it differently with his six eyes. ]
[Pilot has his new hoodie, which still swamps him a little, and his new jeans. He looks a bit out of place in them, but he's also not wearing the jumpsuits and utilitarian blandness he wore on Ajna. When he's not wearing something fitted for him, he looks smaller.
[ He thinks he grasps at Pilot's meaning--to be only one of his kind, the only one with his particular baggage, among so many others sharing a unified experience. He's a strongly gregarious individual; he likes people, he's interested in them genuinely. Some of that is his training, some of that is just him, personally. When he'd been in the Cube, the first few weeks had been very real torture--being cut off from his crew so suddenly, the death of Plex, and then pure, crushing, bleak loneliness. No one to speak to, nothing but him and his cell. When the Warden wasn't using him he'd be left alone there, disoriented, no idea how he'd left or returned, his mind in shambles. He isn't sure when it stopped actively hurting--only that it did, at one point, when he'd endured so much pain that it felt like life could throw anything at him, he'd survive all of it and more. ]
I try to forge connections where I can. I don't let myself wallow in it too long. I've learned to adapt quickly to survive.
[ He turns to his companion, offering a very slight pressure at the point where their shoulders touch. ]
Are you hurting, Pilot? [ What can he do to ease it? ]
[Pilot hums softly and leans into the touch. He has to find a way to put his thoughts into words and it takes a moment. He's not alone; he knows that. He has friends here, that he cares for very deeply. But it feels different.]
He... is not hurting. Just confused about a great many things.
[There is no past, no future, only the moment. He reminds himself of that and tries to find his calm center again.
Because if he's honest, he's scared. He's scared he'll never be able to go home again and be able to be happy to simply be an anonymous member of the community if he does. He's seen a portion of the wider universe and he loves it, but it's also changed him. And he doesn't know if that change is good. ]
[ Noh-Varr nods. What to do with oneself when purpose is gone? Finding your own purpose, when you've never had to before, can be daunting. Gently, he reaches over and covers Pilot's hand with his own. ]
Then talk to me. [ Saying it out loud, to another, will if anything help Pilot get his own thoughts in order. ] What are you confused about?
[Pilot has to get his thoughts in order. But it's hard - hwo does he talk about himself with any meaningful weight? His words are a bit halting, even if he gives Noh-Varr's hand a grateful squeeze.]
He does not know how to continue like... this. As an individual who is not a part of the unit or the community. Not like it was at home, where everyone.... everyone knew what was expected and we were happy to live our lives.
[He trails off.]
He did not have time to think about it on Ajna and he had a mission; a purpose. And he has allowed himself to slip here, to indulge - and - he is not sure.
[ He can sympathize with Pilot's plight. It's hard to know your place, only to lose that stability and everything it means--mourning the future you could have had. Pilot may have volunteered to join the CDC, that doesn't make the transition any easier, especially when what he would have expected given his sheltered upbringing couldn't match up to what he got. Pilot's last comment, ever subtle, almost makes him smile, but he quells it out of respect for his friend. ]
Do you find yourself enjoying it? Self-expression.
[ It's how he interprets the hesitation, at least. The Kree don't discourage individuality, so long as the individual in question maintains a stoic exterior and falls in when asked to do so. In that regard, Noh-Varr was never a very good member of his race. ]
It isn't bad, you know. It's possible to be your own person and devote yourself to others.
[Pilot frowns and tilts his head back to glance up at the sky and then over at Noh-Varr again. He eyes his friend for a moment and then slowly leans against him with a low, exasperated hum.]
He feels guilty for wanting to enjoy it. He doesn't - it's not right, is it? That he should be able to indulge himself just for himself?
You mystify me. [ He shakes his head. ] Why worship a being of pure love and acceptance, and then give yourself a hundred rules outlining why and how said being would no longer love and accept you?
[ He puts an arm around Pilot's shoulders, giving the other man what he believes is an encouraging squeeze. ] Pilot, if Yuni is as all-knowing as you say she is, and we are all her children, then she will love you even if you became your own person.
[That doesn't go all the way toward reassuring PIlot, but he does feel a little better. Especially when Noh-Varr gives him a little hug. He curls in against Noh-Varr's side with a little sigh.]
[ He tucks his chin against the curve of Pilot's crest, drumming two fingers on the Iotian's angled shoulder. ]
I can't make it feel right for you, Pilot. I can't make you believe what I believe, which is that the whole is richer by the differences of its individual members. That is the Kree way, and it's why we pursue genetic diversity so much.
[ He shrugs. ]
How far you decide to go outside of what you've been taught is up to you.
[Pilot's very quiet, but he's glad of Noh-Varr's closeness and the feeling of having another body next to his. It's something that's been missing since he left home - he tends to be very touchy-feely. And humans - humans aren't.]
[ Noh-Varr watches the point fly about a hundred miles over Pilot's head, then figures his friend just isn't ready for further discussion on the topic. It took a long, long time before Noh-Varr was willing to question the Kree empire, and still to this day he has difficulty maintaining seditious thoughts. ]
Stay with me for a while, Pilot. I'll keep you company, if you'd like.
[Pilot curls a bit closer, breathing even and deep. He doesn't know how to deal with all of this. Not yet. So he settles for being close to someone he trusts.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
unfavoured
Day 64ish
Do you have a few minutes?
no subject
What is it, Pilot?
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He mostly just wants someone to talk to.]
FROM: pilot@cdc.org
He'd just like to talk, if you have the time.
no subject
FROM: varr.noh@cdc.org
Where are you?
no subject
FROM: pilot@cdc.org
One of the parks, a few blocks from the hotel. The one next to the motor vehicle rental.
no subject
With the colony's climate controls, night-time is a blanket of stars, a twinkling canopy over their heads. Dominating the view is the moon, taking up a large chunk of his field of vision. He wonders if Pilot sees it differently with his six eyes. ]
no subject
...how do you deal with being alone?
[Among humans, that is.]
no subject
I try to forge connections where I can. I don't let myself wallow in it too long. I've learned to adapt quickly to survive.
[ He turns to his companion, offering a very slight pressure at the point where their shoulders touch. ]
Are you hurting, Pilot? [ What can he do to ease it? ]
no subject
He... is not hurting. Just confused about a great many things.
[There is no past, no future, only the moment. He reminds himself of that and tries to find his calm center again.
Because if he's honest, he's scared. He's scared he'll never be able to go home again and be able to be happy to simply be an anonymous member of the community if he does. He's seen a portion of the wider universe and he loves it, but it's also changed him. And he doesn't know if that change is good. ]
no subject
Then talk to me. [ Saying it out loud, to another, will if anything help Pilot get his own thoughts in order. ] What are you confused about?
no subject
He does not know how to continue like... this. As an individual who is not a part of the unit or the community. Not like it was at home, where everyone.... everyone knew what was expected and we were happy to live our lives.
[He trails off.]
He did not have time to think about it on Ajna and he had a mission; a purpose. And he has allowed himself to slip here, to indulge - and - he is not sure.
no subject
Do you find yourself enjoying it? Self-expression.
[ It's how he interprets the hesitation, at least. The Kree don't discourage individuality, so long as the individual in question maintains a stoic exterior and falls in when asked to do so. In that regard, Noh-Varr was never a very good member of his race. ]
It isn't bad, you know. It's possible to be your own person and devote yourself to others.
no subject
[Pilot frowns and tilts his head back to glance up at the sky and then over at Noh-Varr again. He eyes his friend for a moment and then slowly leans against him with a low, exasperated hum.]
He feels guilty for wanting to enjoy it. He doesn't - it's not right, is it? That he should be able to indulge himself just for himself?
hideously late tag, no regrets???
You mystify me. [ He shakes his head. ] Why worship a being of pure love and acceptance, and then give yourself a hundred rules outlining why and how said being would no longer love and accept you?
[ He puts an arm around Pilot's shoulders, giving the other man what he believes is an encouraging squeeze. ] Pilot, if Yuni is as all-knowing as you say she is, and we are all her children, then she will love you even if you became your own person.
no subject
It still doesn't feel right.
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I can't make it feel right for you, Pilot. I can't make you believe what I believe, which is that the whole is richer by the differences of its individual members. That is the Kree way, and it's why we pursue genetic diversity so much.
[ He shrugs. ]
How far you decide to go outside of what you've been taught is up to you.
no subject
He'll adapt.
[His voice is soft.]
It's what the community wants of him.
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Stay with me for a while, Pilot. I'll keep you company, if you'd like.
[ It's the only sure thing he can offer. ]
no subject
[Pilot curls a bit closer, breathing even and deep. He doesn't know how to deal with all of this. Not yet. So he settles for being close to someone he trusts.]