[Thirty seconds is time for a lot of thoughts, surprisingly. Thoughts for people here, thoughts for people dead, thoughts for those back home. And thoughts of anger about this, because he doesn't even know which category he fell into. Yet again he'd done all he could, yet again it hadn't been enough. And he was frustrated. So frustrated. There's still some of it lingering even as he leans the press of Noh-Varr's nose, the hand around his neck.
They shouldn't have hurt the people he cared about. Not frivolously. Not ever. Garrus' arm tightens around Noh-Varr's stomach for a moment before he's easing the pressure there. They're both hurt. Neither of them needs more pain.]
I'd rather have you, too.
[There's a pause before he's returning the kisses, slow and gentle, closing his eyes and trying to dwell on what's here before him. It's not easy. After a few moments, he winds up feeling like he's lying, somehow, to himself and to Noh-Varr. He's angry and hiding it and this is one of the people he trusts most.]
They shouldn't have done this. Not given a direct reason. Hurting people, hurting the young people.
[The anger is there in his subharmonics, faint but by now Noh-Varr has the tools to read it.]
Whatever went wrong, if something went wrong, this wasn't the way. This doesn't... It only tears down. There's no teaching. The reds last time knew what they'd done. It was deliberate choices to not follow some letter of their orders. This doesn't do anything.
[ They gave the CDC that power. To hurt them, by signing up, and to hurt those they cared about, by caring in the first place. Noh-Varr wishes it were as easy as trusting his fellow recruits not to do anything to set the CDC off in the first place, but it isn't so simple. Mistakes happen, and the CDC is an opaque structure. Their employers have, by and large, been downright merciful.
He looks Garrus square in the eye, his expression distant, considering. ]
You're wrong. There is teaching. They're reminding us what's hanging over our heads.
[ The effect of this has been like a bomb going off at the heart of the crew. In that way, it has been deeply effective as a motivator. ]
We're on the end of their tether, Garrus. We have to live with that.
[ He's too tired for real anger, but he summons up enough of it to draw himself up a bit. ]
This will happen again. [ And it may be for even less of a reason. ] We need to be ready.
[He's silent, staring at Noh-Varr for several moments. The Kree sounds at peace with this, almost. Tilting his head, Garrus studies Noh-Varr's face. He doesn't want to rush to conclusions. He's been doing that a lot recently, and right now he has even less to go on than usual.]
How? How do you get ready for something that comes out of nowhere?
[Confusion is there now, anger fading into wariness.]
How do you adapt when you don't know when this might happen again? Or why?
[Maybe it's something Noh-Varr's dealt with before. Or maybe Noh-Varr's wrapped up enough in his affection for Warriorhead that he doesn't need a cause. It doesn't fit with what Garrus knows or feels, though. The certainty that Garrus is wrong has to be coming from somewhere, but Garrus has no idea where.]
[ He isn't at peace, but he's resigned. The fundamental difference is the direction of their anger; Garrus' flows outwards towards the CDC, and Noh-Varr's flows inwards towards himself. ]
What do you want to hear, Garrus? That I'm indignant, that I'm frustrated? [ He exhales. ] Only at my own failure. We knew this could happen again.
[ They aren't owed an explanation, but they've usually been forthcoming. Noh-Varr can only connect the dots. ]
We didn't get a warning, nor a cause. [ Dagger apologized. If the instructors wanted them dead--they would be dead. ] My best guess is, this came from on high. And if HQ is watching, we need to be doubly vigilant.
[ Earth is in the balance; Noh-Varr is keenly aware of the consequences of his actions, and he incurred a consequence in forgetting that. ]
[Garrus sighs. What does he want to hear? Maybe more anger at HQ than at Noh-Varr, really, because he doesn't think this was right at all. But even in encouraging Garrus previous times the CDC acted strange Noh-Varr hadn't been upset with them. Maybe it's a Kree thing. Belief in the system even when it was a fuckup. Or maybe it's a Noh thing. You can't hold on to resentment and grasp life the way the Kree does, Garrus doesn't think.]
Without a cause, I don't think you can really blame yourself.
[He leans in to slowly touch his forehead to Noh-Varr's, a nuzzling gesture that's entirely about comfort for once. Chances are they're both still in a decent amount of pain, because Garrus strongly doubts his lover went to Medical either, and is probably relying on his own abilities. They're impressive, Garrus has seen them in action, but he's not certain they can take care of everything quickly.]
We'll be more vigilant, though. Definitely one thing to take from it.
[Another is that the instructors aren't to be counted on, which is the real lesson he's taking away from this whole world so far. They hadn't been there for several of the fights or the rescue, now this...]
They can't possibly watch all of their ships this closely. They wouldn't have time to do anything else. Which means something. Just not sure what, yet.
[ Noh-Varr doesn't believe in the system. He believes in tangible things, like the very real possibility of Earth being destroyed for his mistakes. He'd take offense if he could hear Garrus' thoughts, but luckily for them both, he can't. He leans into the embrace, feeling the turian's plating slide roughly against his skin. It's a comfort. Garrus' scent, his warmth. Noh-Varr relaxes in increments.
His thoughts run along the same vein as Garrus', but for different reasons. There's nothing stopping the CDC from actively monitoring all their ships; organizations tend to scale exponentially from the top down, but all they'd need would be one--just one--person on each ship, reporting in. That's no huge demand. Rather, Noh-Varr thinks HQ is watching them because of Optimus Prime, because of Gale's appearance, because of their 'new guest'. Or maybe it's none of that. ]
I don't know, either.
[ A part of him wishes he did, while another wishes he never has cause to find out.
His arms wind lazily around the turian's shoulders. ]
[Would it be a relief or more of a burden to know? Most days, Garrus leans toward relief. He's never liked being in the dark. Then again, he's never been in an organization that's as shady, if still legal, as this one. He's always been on the other side of the grey divide.
The only forthcoming relief is in the way Noh-Varr starts to relax against him and the tension Garrus can feel in his lover's body begins to ease some. Garrus reaches up to play with the hair at the back of Noh-Varr's head, the soft strands always being their own sort of comfort though they pale in comparison to how it feels to be held.]
You have nothing to apologize for.
[Neither of them had seen this coming. If they had... Well, if they had, it wouldn't have happened. They both work hard. He's never seen the Kree slack off, or falter, or anything. Garrus has worlds of faith in the fact that Noh-Varr won't go lazy or shortchange a mission.]
Glad you came and found me. Glad to see you. I...
[They hurt so many he cared for today, and Garrus' other arm tightens just a little around Noh-Varr.]
This won't happen again. Somehow. We'll find a way.
[ Noh-Varr believes in his own strength. He believes it will carry him out of most danger, and if he can use it to prop up others, then he will fulfill his purpose. But lately he's found his strength failing him. He can't protect himself with it, can't protect those he loves with it. What use is he, then?
He cups Garrus' face, kisses the mouth-plates, long and lingering. ]
I'll be strong for you. [ He has to. He has to. And in a rare, fragile burst of vulnerability: ] When I saw your name on that list, I--
[ He cuts himself off, looks away. He what? He'd been upset. How childish. Garrus could handle his own pain. ]
When you hurt, I hurt.
[ He says it with his head canted downwards, into Garrus' collarbone. ]
[He kisses back, eyes closing, hand more pressed to the back of Noh-Varr's head now. This. This is why he'd wanted to give things another try, because all of the pain from their previous shot pales in comparison to what he has now.
There's absolutely nothing childish in what Noh-Varr is saying, in Garrus' opinion. Instead it goes straight to his heart and Garrus savors the moment, holding Noh-Varr close and leaning his head against the Kree's again.]
And when you hurt, I hurt.
[His hand drops from the back of Noh-Varr's head to his chin, to tilt his face up so they can meet eyes.]
I'll be strong for you too. I... I don't want you hurt more.
[As much as he's raged against this punishment, he can deal with himself being hurt. It's the people he loves here being injured that truly anger him, and Noh-Varr more than anyone else. His thumb rubs against Noh-Varr's jawline.]
We've died. Our shuttle crashed. The cuffs went off. But we've made it. We'll keep making it. And we'll make it better. We will.
[There's faith in his words, faith in Noh-Varr and himself.]
[ That optimism is appreciated, even though Noh-Varr can't make himself believe in the 'better' Garrus sees. He thinks he knows what that means: eliminate the CDC.
It's a sweet thought. Younger, imbued with a purity of purpose he can't feel now, Noh-Varr would have clung to that dream fiercely. Two planets down and a hundred or more to go and he isn't sure he can anymore. When Garrus makes his move, will Noh-Varr be able—willing—to stand beside him? There's suffering down that way. And while Noh-Varr would like to believe he'll do all in his power to prevent Garrus' pain, the reality is that he can't promise anything of the sort. He is a source of great suffering for Garrus, and knows this; he's accepted it. But he isn't willing to suffer for Garrus, not when it means risking everything he holds dear. ]
We'll endure. [ His tone is copied off of Garrus, trying to inject some of that resolve. He feels like a shadow of himself. His failure weighs heavy on his shoulders, not just for his own sake but for his team's. ]
Can I stay with you for now? [ Just for a moment, just to snatch a bit of that warmth again. ] We could go to Medical together afterwards, if you'd like.
[There's suffering down every route here. There will be pain and loss and division. There already has been. But Garrus believes that they'll find a way to change things, partly because he needs to believe it and partly because he simply refuses to accept that this is how everything will go from here on out - fear, pain, and murder. This isn't life. It's survival, and barely.
He wants better.]
I want you to stay.
[Garrus isn't dying. Jean and Ino saw to that, and he's been taking it easy. All he wants right now, all he really needs, is this - confirmation again that Noh-Varr's feelings run deeper, that Garrus is wanted. That everything they've been through together is worth it.
Again he touches their foreheads together. The future is a vague, shapeless, and confusing mess. It can't be taken on all at once. They can handle one day at a time, though, moment by moment.]
We can go to Medical soon enough if there's a need. But I like this. Almost makes coughing up blood worth it. Not quite. Could really go for the one dish that was too spicy for you, back on the ship. That combined with this could make it worth it.
[The warmth Noh craves is in Garrus' voice as well as his arms. Noh-Varr doesn't sound as confident, as convinced, and so Garrus will try to be the Kree's strength here.]
[ Garrus tears an amused breath from him. He's always appreciated that capacity Garrus has to make him laugh.
Noh-Varr volunteered for murder. The fear and pain go hand in hand with it. Maybe Noh-Varr's just too used to survival. ]
Then I'll stay.
[ He has little to offer; not even a flower. His presence is apparently enough. Garrus isn't much of a pillow, but Noh-Varr knows by now where to lay his head, his temple on the rim of Garrus' cowl, his nose tickling the turian's jawline. With his hand tickling the back of Garrus' fringe, he invites the other man to lower his head to the curve of his shoulder. He passes the flower Garrus gave him between his fingers idly; it's a relaxing gesture. He doesn't want Garrus to be his strength. He wants to be his own strength.
Hopefully he'll realize that isn't possible before it's too late. ]
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They shouldn't have hurt the people he cared about. Not frivolously. Not ever. Garrus' arm tightens around Noh-Varr's stomach for a moment before he's easing the pressure there. They're both hurt. Neither of them needs more pain.]
I'd rather have you, too.
[There's a pause before he's returning the kisses, slow and gentle, closing his eyes and trying to dwell on what's here before him. It's not easy. After a few moments, he winds up feeling like he's lying, somehow, to himself and to Noh-Varr. He's angry and hiding it and this is one of the people he trusts most.]
They shouldn't have done this. Not given a direct reason. Hurting people, hurting the young people.
[The anger is there in his subharmonics, faint but by now Noh-Varr has the tools to read it.]
Whatever went wrong, if something went wrong, this wasn't the way. This doesn't... It only tears down. There's no teaching. The reds last time knew what they'd done. It was deliberate choices to not follow some letter of their orders. This doesn't do anything.
no subject
He looks Garrus square in the eye, his expression distant, considering. ]
You're wrong. There is teaching. They're reminding us what's hanging over our heads.
[ The effect of this has been like a bomb going off at the heart of the crew. In that way, it has been deeply effective as a motivator. ]
We're on the end of their tether, Garrus. We have to live with that.
[ He's too tired for real anger, but he summons up enough of it to draw himself up a bit. ]
This will happen again. [ And it may be for even less of a reason. ] We need to be ready.
no subject
How? How do you get ready for something that comes out of nowhere?
[Confusion is there now, anger fading into wariness.]
How do you adapt when you don't know when this might happen again? Or why?
[Maybe it's something Noh-Varr's dealt with before. Or maybe Noh-Varr's wrapped up enough in his affection for Warriorhead that he doesn't need a cause. It doesn't fit with what Garrus knows or feels, though. The certainty that Garrus is wrong has to be coming from somewhere, but Garrus has no idea where.]
sorry for late!
What do you want to hear, Garrus? That I'm indignant, that I'm frustrated? [ He exhales. ] Only at my own failure. We knew this could happen again.
[ They aren't owed an explanation, but they've usually been forthcoming. Noh-Varr can only connect the dots. ]
We didn't get a warning, nor a cause. [ Dagger apologized. If the instructors wanted them dead--they would be dead. ] My best guess is, this came from on high. And if HQ is watching, we need to be doubly vigilant.
[ Earth is in the balance; Noh-Varr is keenly aware of the consequences of his actions, and he incurred a consequence in forgetting that. ]
no subject
Without a cause, I don't think you can really blame yourself.
[He leans in to slowly touch his forehead to Noh-Varr's, a nuzzling gesture that's entirely about comfort for once. Chances are they're both still in a decent amount of pain, because Garrus strongly doubts his lover went to Medical either, and is probably relying on his own abilities. They're impressive, Garrus has seen them in action, but he's not certain they can take care of everything quickly.]
We'll be more vigilant, though. Definitely one thing to take from it.
[Another is that the instructors aren't to be counted on, which is the real lesson he's taking away from this whole world so far. They hadn't been there for several of the fights or the rescue, now this...]
They can't possibly watch all of their ships this closely. They wouldn't have time to do anything else. Which means something. Just not sure what, yet.
no subject
His thoughts run along the same vein as Garrus', but for different reasons. There's nothing stopping the CDC from actively monitoring all their ships; organizations tend to scale exponentially from the top down, but all they'd need would be one--just one--person on each ship, reporting in. That's no huge demand. Rather, Noh-Varr thinks HQ is watching them because of Optimus Prime, because of Gale's appearance, because of their 'new guest'. Or maybe it's none of that. ]
I don't know, either.
[ A part of him wishes he did, while another wishes he never has cause to find out.
His arms wind lazily around the turian's shoulders. ]
I'm sorry.
no subject
The only forthcoming relief is in the way Noh-Varr starts to relax against him and the tension Garrus can feel in his lover's body begins to ease some. Garrus reaches up to play with the hair at the back of Noh-Varr's head, the soft strands always being their own sort of comfort though they pale in comparison to how it feels to be held.]
You have nothing to apologize for.
[Neither of them had seen this coming. If they had... Well, if they had, it wouldn't have happened. They both work hard. He's never seen the Kree slack off, or falter, or anything. Garrus has worlds of faith in the fact that Noh-Varr won't go lazy or shortchange a mission.]
Glad you came and found me. Glad to see you. I...
[They hurt so many he cared for today, and Garrus' other arm tightens just a little around Noh-Varr.]
This won't happen again. Somehow. We'll find a way.
no subject
He cups Garrus' face, kisses the mouth-plates, long and lingering. ]
I'll be strong for you. [ He has to. He has to. And in a rare, fragile burst of vulnerability: ] When I saw your name on that list, I--
[ He cuts himself off, looks away. He what? He'd been upset. How childish. Garrus could handle his own pain. ]
When you hurt, I hurt.
[ He says it with his head canted downwards, into Garrus' collarbone. ]
no subject
There's absolutely nothing childish in what Noh-Varr is saying, in Garrus' opinion. Instead it goes straight to his heart and Garrus savors the moment, holding Noh-Varr close and leaning his head against the Kree's again.]
And when you hurt, I hurt.
[His hand drops from the back of Noh-Varr's head to his chin, to tilt his face up so they can meet eyes.]
I'll be strong for you too. I... I don't want you hurt more.
[As much as he's raged against this punishment, he can deal with himself being hurt. It's the people he loves here being injured that truly anger him, and Noh-Varr more than anyone else. His thumb rubs against Noh-Varr's jawline.]
We've died. Our shuttle crashed. The cuffs went off. But we've made it. We'll keep making it. And we'll make it better. We will.
[There's faith in his words, faith in Noh-Varr and himself.]
no subject
It's a sweet thought. Younger, imbued with a purity of purpose he can't feel now, Noh-Varr would have clung to that dream fiercely. Two planets down and a hundred or more to go and he isn't sure he can anymore. When Garrus makes his move, will Noh-Varr be able—willing—to stand beside him? There's suffering down that way. And while Noh-Varr would like to believe he'll do all in his power to prevent Garrus' pain, the reality is that he can't promise anything of the sort. He is a source of great suffering for Garrus, and knows this; he's accepted it. But he isn't willing to suffer for Garrus, not when it means risking everything he holds dear. ]
We'll endure. [ His tone is copied off of Garrus, trying to inject some of that resolve. He feels like a shadow of himself. His failure weighs heavy on his shoulders, not just for his own sake but for his team's. ]
Can I stay with you for now? [ Just for a moment, just to snatch a bit of that warmth again. ] We could go to Medical together afterwards, if you'd like.
no subject
He wants better.]
I want you to stay.
[Garrus isn't dying. Jean and Ino saw to that, and he's been taking it easy. All he wants right now, all he really needs, is this - confirmation again that Noh-Varr's feelings run deeper, that Garrus is wanted. That everything they've been through together is worth it.
Again he touches their foreheads together. The future is a vague, shapeless, and confusing mess. It can't be taken on all at once. They can handle one day at a time, though, moment by moment.]
We can go to Medical soon enough if there's a need. But I like this. Almost makes coughing up blood worth it. Not quite. Could really go for the one dish that was too spicy for you, back on the ship. That combined with this could make it worth it.
[The warmth Noh craves is in Garrus' voice as well as his arms. Noh-Varr doesn't sound as confident, as convinced, and so Garrus will try to be the Kree's strength here.]
no subject
Noh-Varr volunteered for murder. The fear and pain go hand in hand with it. Maybe Noh-Varr's just too used to survival. ]
Then I'll stay.
[ He has little to offer; not even a flower. His presence is apparently enough. Garrus isn't much of a pillow, but Noh-Varr knows by now where to lay his head, his temple on the rim of Garrus' cowl, his nose tickling the turian's jawline. With his hand tickling the back of Garrus' fringe, he invites the other man to lower his head to the curve of his shoulder. He passes the flower Garrus gave him between his fingers idly; it's a relaxing gesture. He doesn't want Garrus to be his strength. He wants to be his own strength.
Hopefully he'll realize that isn't possible before it's too late. ]