[ Noh-Varr doesn't have confidence in everyone's survival. A select few, he knows can navigate themselves out of a tight spot. But given what he knows about the things that assaulted them out in the wilds, there's too many people he can't be sure of, and so he just elects not to think about it, to push it to the back of his mind. Those he could help, he has. But he can't save those who can't save themselves.
He can feel Garrus lean his weight onto him, and allows it. The turian has more difficulty compartmentalizing his emotions. ]
You won't always be able to know. [ It's not said without kindness. He reaches up, touches Garrus' face. ] You can't nanny your whole team, Garrus. It's insulting to them.
[Garrus rests his mandible into Noh-Varr's hand, looking down at the Kree. The remark makes him feel a little defensive, and that's something he shouldn't be feeling. A moment later he shrugs with a sigh.]
I trust my team to be capable. Doesn't mean I don't wanna know what they're dealing with, sharks or butterflies.
[Is he being invasive and insulting when he worries? Does he need to take a step back? Or is it just Noh that's bothered? Garrus doesn't know. It's harder than he'd thought to adapt to having a squad here, to being concerned about people who are out of contact for days in dangerous situations.]
Still working out this whole... thing. A dozen young, practically, and I don't know how the hell that even started. You. A squad. Tali and Shepard.
[He takes one hand from Noh's back, reaching up to brush the Kree's hair back. Shepard's a sore point and he knows that, but the list isn't complete without her.]
Some of whom I care about more than others. Really care about.
[And that's when he decides. He's going to tell Noh, and let what happens happen. His eyes stay on the green ones that he could so happily drown in.]
[ He braces himself for what he knows is coming. Garrus' subharmonics are hesitant and somewhat grating against his....anger? Resolution? Noh-Varr is getting better at reading the voice-beneath-the-voice, but in cases like these he finds it difficult. Talons are in his hair, petting gently, and the hum of Garrus' throat is a guillotine.
It's Garrus' right to worry. Who worries for Garrus? Garrus allows himself to be pieced apart by the ones he dedicates himself to. Ino had told him that caring for others made him stronger; can Noh-Varr be a pillar of strength? For anyone?
No, he pleads with all his mind. Can Garrus see the ashen haze of regret that falls over his face, just before he turns it away? Don't say it. Why can't it wait? You shouldn't want this. ]
[He swallows as Noh's expression changes and the Kree looks away. The answer's right there, clearer than any sign Garrus has had in his life. But he's done enough avoidance. His fingers brush Noh-Varr's cheek, not to turn his love's head but simply to touch before he drops his hand down.]
More than I should.
[If he'd kept his head right from the beginning... but Noh-Varr's smile had spelled out his path months ago. Garrus takes a breath; he's not going to leave this unsaid even though they both know.]
I love you. And that's not something you want, and I know it.
[Maybe this had been just as inevitable, really. The thought's a searching attempt for any sort of consolation. It doesn't work.]
Which...
[He wants any other possible solution, anything, but can find nothing. There's is only one way to eventually stop hurting, because Noh will never love him back. Garrus' eyes close. He doesn't want to see Noh as he speaks, doesn't want to see any possible pain but also doesn't want to see a lack of it. Better not to know. His voice is low and strained, mandibles drooping despite his best efforts to keep them in place.]
[ Garrus' touch feels like goodbye. Noh-Varr allows himself a final act of pure selfishness, and leans into it before the talons retreat from his cheek.
The words fall like a hammer, like a judge's gavel, like a physical weight dropping between his shoulders. They should make his heart swell, they should delight him and sharpen the sunlight, make the air fragrant. All they do is make him quail.
The demanding, self-centered part of him wants to reach forward, cup Garrus' face, tell him to stay. The rest of him knows he should have ended this on Selena. Their wants weren't compatible from the start, but he'd been selfish and made Garrus bend and fold until he could tuck the turian's happiness into his pocket and forget about it. He thought he could have everything. Too good to be true. ]
You're right. It's for the best this way.
[ He feels hollow saying it. By all rights, he should be happy to slough the weight. But just because he doesn't love Garrus doesn't mean he doesn't care for the turian. Likes having him in his life. Wants him close, safe and happy. ]
I... [ He starts, stops, trails off. What can he say? There's nothing. He shouldn't even want to save this. What does Garrus event want him to say to that? To apologize? Garrus himself admitted that he knew Noh-Varr wasn't interested. He'd been upfront from the start about his expectations. But Garrus had kept pushing for more, and--there's no point, now.
He turns to leave. ]
I'll leave you the rest of your evening. Sleep well when you do, Garrus.
[ No offer of friendship, no safety net. Time might do them good, or it might not. ]
[His eyelids are starting to hurt from how tightly he's pressing them closed as Noh speaks. It should be good that it's this easy, that Noh seems to be taking it well, but it doesn't feel good. He doesn't want this to be over, but there's no other call he could have made and it's clear Noh-Varr agrees.
It's over, and it hurts.]
You too, Noh-Varr.
[Even if his voice wasn't giving him away, his subharmonics are a mess. He'd wanted too much, and in losing himself he'd lost it all. Garrus opens his eyes finally to see Noh turned away. Ready to leave. And Garrus will let him go. Even if he stopped Noh-Varr, there's nothing that could be done, no way to make this work. What Garrus needs changed and it didn't for Noh-Varr, and that's all there is to it.
He steps away from the rover, Noh's rover, and searches for anything else to say. He finds nothing. It's over. And so, regretting the silence even with not a single way to break it, Garrus walks away.]
[ He watches the turian's back over his shoulder. This was not how he'd expected this exchange to go. In his mind, they'd meet, talk about the drop, about what was to come, Garrus would nuzzle against him and flicker his mandibles against Noh-Varr's cheek. He doesn't understand why this had to happen now, what pushed Garrus to talk. He wonders if there was anything he could have done to pre-empt this, or even if he would've taken steps to prevent it. Would he have kissed him more often, held him closer, let himself linger longer after making love? Or would he have pushed him away sooner?
He couldn't have made himself feel more strongly.
Eventually he turns away completely, making his way back inside. He'll sleep it off. There'll be more work to do soon enough. ]
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He can feel Garrus lean his weight onto him, and allows it. The turian has more difficulty compartmentalizing his emotions. ]
You won't always be able to know. [ It's not said without kindness. He reaches up, touches Garrus' face. ] You can't nanny your whole team, Garrus. It's insulting to them.
[ The same way it's insulting to him. ]
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I trust my team to be capable. Doesn't mean I don't wanna know what they're dealing with, sharks or butterflies.
[Is he being invasive and insulting when he worries? Does he need to take a step back? Or is it just Noh that's bothered? Garrus doesn't know. It's harder than he'd thought to adapt to having a squad here, to being concerned about people who are out of contact for days in dangerous situations.]
Still working out this whole... thing. A dozen young, practically, and I don't know how the hell that even started. You. A squad. Tali and Shepard.
[He takes one hand from Noh's back, reaching up to brush the Kree's hair back. Shepard's a sore point and he knows that, but the list isn't complete without her.]
Some of whom I care about more than others. Really care about.
[And that's when he decides. He's going to tell Noh, and let what happens happen. His eyes stay on the green ones that he could so happily drown in.]
More than I thought I would, or could.
no subject
It's Garrus' right to worry. Who worries for Garrus? Garrus allows himself to be pieced apart by the ones he dedicates himself to. Ino had told him that caring for others made him stronger; can Noh-Varr be a pillar of strength? For anyone?
No, he pleads with all his mind. Can Garrus see the ashen haze of regret that falls over his face, just before he turns it away? Don't say it. Why can't it wait? You shouldn't want this. ]
More than you should, probably.
[ He's pointedly looking away now. ]
no subject
More than I should.
[If he'd kept his head right from the beginning... but Noh-Varr's smile had spelled out his path months ago. Garrus takes a breath; he's not going to leave this unsaid even though they both know.]
I love you. And that's not something you want, and I know it.
[Maybe this had been just as inevitable, really. The thought's a searching attempt for any sort of consolation. It doesn't work.]
Which...
[He wants any other possible solution, anything, but can find nothing. There's is only one way to eventually stop hurting, because Noh will never love him back. Garrus' eyes close. He doesn't want to see Noh as he speaks, doesn't want to see any possible pain but also doesn't want to see a lack of it. Better not to know. His voice is low and strained, mandibles drooping despite his best efforts to keep them in place.]
Which means I think we should end this.
no subject
The words fall like a hammer, like a judge's gavel, like a physical weight dropping between his shoulders. They should make his heart swell, they should delight him and sharpen the sunlight, make the air fragrant. All they do is make him quail.
The demanding, self-centered part of him wants to reach forward, cup Garrus' face, tell him to stay. The rest of him knows he should have ended this on Selena. Their wants weren't compatible from the start, but he'd been selfish and made Garrus bend and fold until he could tuck the turian's happiness into his pocket and forget about it. He thought he could have everything. Too good to be true. ]
You're right. It's for the best this way.
[ He feels hollow saying it. By all rights, he should be happy to slough the weight. But just because he doesn't love Garrus doesn't mean he doesn't care for the turian. Likes having him in his life. Wants him close, safe and happy. ]
I... [ He starts, stops, trails off. What can he say? There's nothing. He shouldn't even want to save this. What does Garrus event want him to say to that? To apologize? Garrus himself admitted that he knew Noh-Varr wasn't interested. He'd been upfront from the start about his expectations. But Garrus had kept pushing for more, and--there's no point, now.
He turns to leave. ]
I'll leave you the rest of your evening. Sleep well when you do, Garrus.
[ No offer of friendship, no safety net. Time might do them good, or it might not. ]
no subject
It's over, and it hurts.]
You too, Noh-Varr.
[Even if his voice wasn't giving him away, his subharmonics are a mess. He'd wanted too much, and in losing himself he'd lost it all. Garrus opens his eyes finally to see Noh turned away. Ready to leave. And Garrus will let him go. Even if he stopped Noh-Varr, there's nothing that could be done, no way to make this work. What Garrus needs changed and it didn't for Noh-Varr, and that's all there is to it.
He steps away from the rover, Noh's rover, and searches for anything else to say. He finds nothing. It's over. And so, regretting the silence even with not a single way to break it, Garrus walks away.]
turns the knife in the wound
He couldn't have made himself feel more strongly.
Eventually he turns away completely, making his way back inside. He'll sleep it off. There'll be more work to do soon enough. ]