[ He's mock-hurt, but he understands. He can't fill her emotional pain for her. Only she can eliminate it completely. His head bends to the pressure of her hand; she's the second girl in the last four days to touch his hair, and like the first time, the gesture isn't unpleasant. ]
[ For the first time that gets her to sit up enough so she can twist a little and look at him. Her eyebrows are drawn up, her expression quietly unhappy. ]
... you know, I had a nice talk with Gliese. It was cordial and everything. Almost friendly. [ A pause, and her mouth briefly tightens. ] ... when did protecting the people I give a shit about and being exactly what the CDC wants me to be become the same thing?
It was always the same thing. You just didn't have anyone to care about, before.
[ He points it out mildly. When she'd gone and gotten herself thrown into a mountain, they'd barely known each other. Things have changed very much since then. ]
You may not get to keep who you are. But who you become is still malleable.
[ 'What the CDC wants' has, he finds, quite a bit of variation. Their instructors are proof enough of that. ]
[ She knew that, if she thinks about it. Protecting others was always going to mean obeying the CDC in their every whim. But that doesn't stop it being galling. Still, she takes his point in stride, not offended by what she knows is a fact. She hasn't forgotten, either, that early tense conversation that would lead to so much more than she bargained for. Much as she wanted a second chance, she could never have been prepared for what that chance would do to her. ]
Yeah. And now the trade-off is constantly being ... terrified about what might happen to those people. [ The pause was to search for words. She was going to soften the blow - say "freaked out," "concerned," whatever - but it wouldn't be the truth. It is a constant low-level terror, to care about other people whose fates are in constant jeopardy. ]
I think I might be starting to hate who I'm becoming, Noh-Varr. Especially if that person says how high when the CDC tells her to jump. [ She blows out a breath, weary in her bones. ] But what it comes down to is that I'd jump a fucking mountain if it'd keep you guys safe.
[ She pauses for half a breath, and then smiles. A real, genuine smile. ]
And avoid doing stupid, impulsive bullshit just because I feel like it. Or, you know, try to.
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[ He's mock-hurt, but he understands. He can't fill her emotional pain for her. Only she can eliminate it completely. His head bends to the pressure of her hand; she's the second girl in the last four days to touch his hair, and like the first time, the gesture isn't unpleasant. ]
Whenever you need, Vriska.
no subject
[ An allusion to her own exile to Grey. ]
But I know you mean that. And I appreciate it. You know the same goes for you, right?
no subject
I know. [ He squeezes her shoulders, gently, comforting. ] You're working hard. They can see it as well as I do. You'll be back.
no subject
[ The words don't ring with the same pride they might have before. Now they're thoughtful, a little hollow. ]
I'll be back, yeah. But I'm not so sure I'll like the person I've become.
no subject
[ He has extensive experience with not liking the choices you've made and, consequently, not liking yourself. But he doesn't quite say that. ]
I suspect that eventually, none of us will.
[ That's why they need each other. ]
no subject
... you know, I had a nice talk with Gliese. It was cordial and everything. Almost friendly. [ A pause, and her mouth briefly tightens. ] ... when did protecting the people I give a shit about and being exactly what the CDC wants me to be become the same thing?
no subject
[ He points it out mildly. When she'd gone and gotten herself thrown into a mountain, they'd barely known each other. Things have changed very much since then. ]
You may not get to keep who you are. But who you become is still malleable.
[ 'What the CDC wants' has, he finds, quite a bit of variation. Their instructors are proof enough of that. ]
no subject
Yeah. And now the trade-off is constantly being ... terrified about what might happen to those people. [ The pause was to search for words. She was going to soften the blow - say "freaked out," "concerned," whatever - but it wouldn't be the truth. It is a constant low-level terror, to care about other people whose fates are in constant jeopardy. ]
I think I might be starting to hate who I'm becoming, Noh-Varr. Especially if that person says how high when the CDC tells her to jump. [ She blows out a breath, weary in her bones. ] But what it comes down to is that I'd jump a fucking mountain if it'd keep you guys safe.
[ She pauses for half a breath, and then smiles. A real, genuine smile. ]
And avoid doing stupid, impulsive bullshit just because I feel like it. Or, you know, try to.