[Ryan takes that opportunity without a second thought- leaning into him is comfortable, having his arms around him even more so, and he breathes out a content little sigh as he settles.]
I have, yeah- used to do it a lot, with the ones that lived with me. That I trusted. Couple of them missed having bodies, being able to actually interact with things, and-- well, and I hated running errands, it worked out.
[There's an amused touch to his tone, though it quickly fades when he continues.]
It's like-- being stuck in your own head. Seeing everything through your own eyes, like always, only you can't do anything, you don't have any control... you're just sort of a passenger, I guess. Never minded it much when I allowed it, I'd kind of tune out for a while, but when you don't allow it--
[No further explanation needed, really. It's more than a little terrifying.]
[ Can Ryan feel the way he tenses in time to the explanation? The reflexive tightness in his belly, in sympathy? He lets Ryan finish, lets a minute stretch between them as he pets Ryan's hair, reclines himself into the pillows. ]
When I was in prison, I--found out, if you will, that illegal aliens don't have rights in the United States of America. [ There's a kernel of laughter in his voice, because it's a double-entendre on the word 'aliens' that he thinks Ryan will be able to appreciate. ] The Warden of that place, he hacked my nanites.
[ He lets that sink in. ]
When he wasn't--using me, for security or for defense, he kept me in a tank, or in my cell, in solitary.
[ His voice remains calm and neutral, as he recounts what are now painful memories, but only that--memories. ]
To be in your body, but not inhabiting it--I know what that's like. You're braver than I to offer it.
[ He holds Ryan close. He's never told anyone that. ]
[The way he tenses doesn't go unnoticed-- and he'll find it matched as Ryan listens, finding one of Noh-Varr's hands and covering it with his own in a silent, empathetic gesture. Much as he hopes that it's an experience very few others share, it's... nice to know he's not alone in it, in all honesty. People like to think of possession as the sort of thing you're not aware of, and he likes to just let them.
When Noh's finished, Ryan shifts slightly in his arms, the need to stay covered forgotten as he turns to the side so that he can slide an arm around him in return. Clearly he's used to being a bit of a human pretzel, given how much taller he tends to be-- when he rests his head on the Kree's shoulder, nudges affectionately up against the curve of his neck, it's an easy shift despite the bit of awkwardness involved in making it work.]
...much as I'd rather you didn't understand, I'm- kind of glad somebody does. It's bad enough to deal with, but having to try to explain some parts of that-- you know what I mean. I'm sorry you do.
[The rest-- the rest comes out before he can really reconsider.]
It's how I died, that last time. Something using me to get through from the other side. Kind of the equivalent of forcing the door off the hinges when someone won't unlock it for you.
[ The comfort found in sharing is mutual, then. Noh-Varr lets Ryan turn, saying nothing when the sharp angles of the other man's body dig into him. It pays off when Ryan tucks his head into the crook of his neck. From this angle, with Ryan's chest half-facing him, he can see that the t-shirt is being held up, as if to preserve some modesty. But Ryan doesn't have breasts, which are typically hidden by human girls; is there another tattoo there that Ryan is trying to hide? Noh-Varr doesn't press, instead dropping a kiss against the human's hair. ]
I'm sorry as well. [ He doesn't quite get the analogy Ryan is attempting to make, with the door flying off its hinges, so he tries to clarify: ] It is physically painful for you, possession, or was it only in that specific instance? Or do you mean you succumbed to overwhelming psychic pain?
...both, I think? I can- well, they can touch me, too, when they're intangible to everyone else. So using me to cross from where it was trapped, to occupy the same space as other spirits-- when I said it went through I was being literal.
[One hand reflexively goes to his chest, as though there were a physical pang at the explanation; there never is, but the motion is entirely thoughtless, instinctive.]
It doesn't hurt unless it's forced, and in that case- it was crossing a barrier it wasn't meant to. Had to break through.
[ He nods, and he certainly doesn't miss the gesture Ryan makes. When he reaches to cover Ryan's hand with his own, it's much more deliberate, and slow, the gesture itself asking for permission. He doesn't move to actually pull Ryan's shirt away, merely hovering his hand over the one holding it up. ]
You were brave. To keep going after that.
[ And he can respect that. When the Warden had been controlling him, he'd been aware mostly of constant, mind-numbing pain, all of his nanites attacking him from the inside-out, until he was reduced to a shell, barely lucid, making himself a home out of pain. Anything to keep himself going. ]
[His hand tenses noticeably beneath Noh-Varr's, but he doesn't move to push his hand away or to allow him permission to go any further; for the moment, his own remains still.]
I didn't want to let that ruin it. Part of my job was helping spirits communicate if they needed it, I couldn't just- stop, like that. And it helped sort of-- remind me it wasn't always like that, I guess, that the rest of the time it was fine. Took the edge off a little.
[Ryan takes in a slow, steady breath, exhales it in the same way, and then glances up to him with a somewhat uncertain look.]
You probably don't want to know. [He figures Noh can tell what he means, but the little twitch of his fingers clinging to the fabric makes it more clear regardless. It's weird, and he'd been weirded out by finding out about Ryan's sense in the first place.]
[ It would not have occured to Noh-Varr, after his run-in with the Warden, to allow himself to be piggybacked on again in order to 'remind himself it wasn't always like that'. Maybe because, unlike Ryan, he'd never known it another way, had never known it was something that could be useful. Ryan found meaning in his ability to ferry the dead. Noh-Varr finds the idea repulsive, and Ryan either brave or particularly deranged. (The line is often a thin one, in his experience.)
As soon as Ryan addresses him he can see that the other man is misinterpreting the nature of Noh-Varr's hesitation, faced with his power and his connection to death. Noh-Varr didn't find it weird. Noh-Varr has seen too much of the vast multiverse to consider anything 'weird'.
He found it invasive, disquieting, and a part of him still does--and now, Ryan knows why. He doesn't actually speak to correct any of this, however, instead planting a kiss on the crown of Ryan's head again, reassuring and calm. ]
I always want to know about you. You're interesting. [ His tone is measured and markedly more cheerful than before. ] But I won't pry. It belongs to you.
[ He holds true to that, his hand dropping harmlessly back to Ryan's abdomen, giving him entirely free reign. ]
[The reassurance helps, as does the way he backs off; this isn't something Ryan has ever actually shown anyone, for the same reasons (or maybe just because of the reasons) that he hasn't told anyone else what killed him. They go hand in hand: he can't really acknowledge the mark without also involving how it got there, not when it's a fairly unique kind of thing, and so he's said nothing about both instead.
Ultimately, though, he decides that he may as well. It'd be good to have someone from whom he has nothing else to hide, and after this conversation, after he's shown he's willing to let it go if Ryan wants-- he's willing enough, now.]
It's- a little weird, fair warning.
[He manages a faint, wry smile with that as he shifts, straightening up a bit so Noh-Varr can actually see before he finally sets the shirt aside-- and it's instantly clear, stark as it is against his pale skin. There appears to be a hole in the middle of his chest, centered just below his collarbone; it could be mistaken for another tattoo, if not for the way that light should reflect off of it and doesn't. Instead it's pure pitch black, the color fading away from its edges like it's a splotch of liquid ink, with nothing at all visible past it save for that darkness.
Ryan's not quite looking at him, just stealing a furtive glance or two at his face.]
[ He takes the warning for what he suspects it is, which is completely unnecessary: and he's right, when Ryan's hand falls away and he's left with a hole.
It's magical in nature, and therefore beyond his immediate understanding, but he doesn't find it ugly--only a bit unsettling to look at directly, though he suspects that will wane over time. ]
Does it hurt you...?
[ It's his most pressing concern, and the one, in his mind, that really matters. If it does cause Ryan pain or harm, he seems to be hiding it well, but Noh-Varr knows for a fact that people can often bear more than they let on, physically or otherwise. His expression is curious, perhaps tainted by his worry for his friend. He lifts his hand again, but doesn't move to touch the hole, instead laying his palm gently a few inches below it, steadying. ]
[That question is what makes him sure he's made the right decision. Ryan had expected curiosity, had feared revulsion-- and what he gets is concern instead, the immediate focus placed not on that mark but on how it affects him. It brings a small, reassuring smile to his face as he gives his head a shake.]
No. Technically it's barely even there-- on a physical level, it's just skin deep. Points of planar crossover just... get a little weird, you might not want to touch it.
There's no danger, that I know of. It's- it's not technically a point of crossover in itself, all of me is-- this is kind of just a representation, I guess? A mark that got left when I died.
[He shrugs slightly. The particulars, he can really only guess at.]
Mostly I just meant that it feels pretty strange. Nothing goes all the way through, it won't let that happen.
[ He nods once again, sweeter this time, adjusting their positions slightly so he can lower his mouth to Ryan's shoulder, kissing the skin over the tarot card. ]
Thank you for showing me.
[ The tattoos, the mark, Ryan's pain--all of it. Finding someone to share burdens with is difficult. He has no intention of deploying all of his baggage on the human, or accepting all of Ryan's on himself; that is, in his mind, why he would take more than one partner. It spreads the pain, and the weight is eased.
For this moment, with Ryan a warm stripe along his front, Noh-Varr is content. ]
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I have, yeah- used to do it a lot, with the ones that lived with me. That I trusted. Couple of them missed having bodies, being able to actually interact with things, and-- well, and I hated running errands, it worked out.
[There's an amused touch to his tone, though it quickly fades when he continues.]
It's like-- being stuck in your own head. Seeing everything through your own eyes, like always, only you can't do anything, you don't have any control... you're just sort of a passenger, I guess. Never minded it much when I allowed it, I'd kind of tune out for a while, but when you don't allow it--
[No further explanation needed, really. It's more than a little terrifying.]
no subject
When I was in prison, I--found out, if you will, that illegal aliens don't have rights in the United States of America. [ There's a kernel of laughter in his voice, because it's a double-entendre on the word 'aliens' that he thinks Ryan will be able to appreciate. ] The Warden of that place, he hacked my nanites.
[ He lets that sink in. ]
When he wasn't--using me, for security or for defense, he kept me in a tank, or in my cell, in solitary.
[ His voice remains calm and neutral, as he recounts what are now painful memories, but only that--memories. ]
To be in your body, but not inhabiting it--I know what that's like. You're braver than I to offer it.
[ He holds Ryan close. He's never told anyone that. ]
no subject
When Noh's finished, Ryan shifts slightly in his arms, the need to stay covered forgotten as he turns to the side so that he can slide an arm around him in return. Clearly he's used to being a bit of a human pretzel, given how much taller he tends to be-- when he rests his head on the Kree's shoulder, nudges affectionately up against the curve of his neck, it's an easy shift despite the bit of awkwardness involved in making it work.]
...much as I'd rather you didn't understand, I'm- kind of glad somebody does. It's bad enough to deal with, but having to try to explain some parts of that-- you know what I mean. I'm sorry you do.
[The rest-- the rest comes out before he can really reconsider.]
It's how I died, that last time. Something using me to get through from the other side. Kind of the equivalent of forcing the door off the hinges when someone won't unlock it for you.
no subject
I'm sorry as well. [ He doesn't quite get the analogy Ryan is attempting to make, with the door flying off its hinges, so he tries to clarify: ] It is physically painful for you, possession, or was it only in that specific instance? Or do you mean you succumbed to overwhelming psychic pain?
no subject
[One hand reflexively goes to his chest, as though there were a physical pang at the explanation; there never is, but the motion is entirely thoughtless, instinctive.]
It doesn't hurt unless it's forced, and in that case- it was crossing a barrier it wasn't meant to. Had to break through.
no subject
You were brave. To keep going after that.
[ And he can respect that. When the Warden had been controlling him, he'd been aware mostly of constant, mind-numbing pain, all of his nanites attacking him from the inside-out, until he was reduced to a shell, barely lucid, making himself a home out of pain. Anything to keep himself going. ]
no subject
I didn't want to let that ruin it. Part of my job was helping spirits communicate if they needed it, I couldn't just- stop, like that. And it helped sort of-- remind me it wasn't always like that, I guess, that the rest of the time it was fine. Took the edge off a little.
[Ryan takes in a slow, steady breath, exhales it in the same way, and then glances up to him with a somewhat uncertain look.]
You probably don't want to know. [He figures Noh can tell what he means, but the little twitch of his fingers clinging to the fabric makes it more clear regardless. It's weird, and he'd been weirded out by finding out about Ryan's sense in the first place.]
no subject
As soon as Ryan addresses him he can see that the other man is misinterpreting the nature of Noh-Varr's hesitation, faced with his power and his connection to death. Noh-Varr didn't find it weird. Noh-Varr has seen too much of the vast multiverse to consider anything 'weird'.
He found it invasive, disquieting, and a part of him still does--and now, Ryan knows why. He doesn't actually speak to correct any of this, however, instead planting a kiss on the crown of Ryan's head again, reassuring and calm. ]
I always want to know about you. You're interesting. [ His tone is measured and markedly more cheerful than before. ] But I won't pry. It belongs to you.
[ He holds true to that, his hand dropping harmlessly back to Ryan's abdomen, giving him entirely free reign. ]
no subject
Ultimately, though, he decides that he may as well. It'd be good to have someone from whom he has nothing else to hide, and after this conversation, after he's shown he's willing to let it go if Ryan wants-- he's willing enough, now.]
It's- a little weird, fair warning.
[He manages a faint, wry smile with that as he shifts, straightening up a bit so Noh-Varr can actually see before he finally sets the shirt aside-- and it's instantly clear, stark as it is against his pale skin. There appears to be a hole in the middle of his chest, centered just below his collarbone; it could be mistaken for another tattoo, if not for the way that light should reflect off of it and doesn't. Instead it's pure pitch black, the color fading away from its edges like it's a splotch of liquid ink, with nothing at all visible past it save for that darkness.
Ryan's not quite looking at him, just stealing a furtive glance or two at his face.]
no subject
It's magical in nature, and therefore beyond his immediate understanding, but he doesn't find it ugly--only a bit unsettling to look at directly, though he suspects that will wane over time. ]
Does it hurt you...?
[ It's his most pressing concern, and the one, in his mind, that really matters. If it does cause Ryan pain or harm, he seems to be hiding it well, but Noh-Varr knows for a fact that people can often bear more than they let on, physically or otherwise. His expression is curious, perhaps tainted by his worry for his friend. He lifts his hand again, but doesn't move to touch the hole, instead laying his palm gently a few inches below it, steadying. ]
wtf I know I wrote a response to this yesterday
No. Technically it's barely even there-- on a physical level, it's just skin deep. Points of planar crossover just... get a little weird, you might not want to touch it.
no subject
'Might not'? Is the danger real, or imagined?
[ He suspects the answer might more worryingly be 'I don't know'. ]
no subject
[He shrugs slightly. The particulars, he can really only guess at.]
Mostly I just meant that it feels pretty strange. Nothing goes all the way through, it won't let that happen.
no subject
Thank you for showing me.
[ The tattoos, the mark, Ryan's pain--all of it. Finding someone to share burdens with is difficult. He has no intention of deploying all of his baggage on the human, or accepting all of Ryan's on himself; that is, in his mind, why he would take more than one partner. It spreads the pain, and the weight is eased.
For this moment, with Ryan a warm stripe along his front, Noh-Varr is content. ]